youre lurking in front of me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize