if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
