New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
