his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
