my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
