My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize