i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
