he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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