Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
