I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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