Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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