Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
