my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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