This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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