i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drake has all the answers
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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