Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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