Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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