I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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