My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
