Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
