If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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