How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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