No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
