Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
