I'm lost and stupid without you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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