I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
