I can tuck mytits in my pants
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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