I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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