I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
