I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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