dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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