She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
