The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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