Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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