she woke up with a sticky ear
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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