Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
