dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
