I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
