3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
this just has baby written all over it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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