my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
