why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
