watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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