i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
