I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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