Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
