I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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