She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
