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I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize