Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
