This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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