When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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