I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
