i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
