i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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